Infidelity, pregnancy...why did he do it?

He is 30 , I am 23. We are both not from the US(but has been here long enough), but from different countries. He is from the Middle East, I am from ex-USSR. Our parents live in home countries and have conservative views(no sex before marriage): his because of culture and Islam, mine due to culture and personal values mainly but with admixture of Islam. He has just finished his Phd, and I am pre-med. We are both very educated.
We have lived together for 2 years, know each other romantically for 3, know each other for 4.
I would not have started living with hime if I was not sure in his serious interntions like marriage. I have seriously dated one person before him, and I only expected marriage from my second relationship. He always knew what I expect. Last year he went to his home country, after he returned not even a thought of infidelity crossed my mind, but he was grumpy, and even a bit verbally abusive. It passed, I got a psycologist to deal with myself and him. I love him, and wanted it to work. I have ADHD and family problems. He of course never went to therapy.

5 Month ago I found out about a girl. It was a disaster. I have cried, and he swore he loved me. He did not say he cheated, he said that there was this girl in his homecountry who was kind of arranged to him, and without knowledge of their families they met to spend time together, because he pittied her. He came with this story how she was raped, and he promised to marry her without letting her family know that she is not a virgin, as it is a really bad situation in this country among some people. (This country is conservative in culture not in law, hymenoplasty is available , and some people marry non-virgins just like in the West, but some are very strict about it.)

I forgave him even though I found a conversation between him and her , and her naked pictures (although she wears a scarf). He said he will fix this issue by his graduation. He will convince his parents and help the girl somehow, whom he pitied. But for him pity and love are hard to separate. I gave him time until April. I wanted to move on or get married. I love him a lot, I know he loves me a lot, but is it just me that he loves? I was dreaming about marriage , kids. I am ready for that. My mom met him ,and liked him a lot.

4 days ago I found out that I was pregnant, we were not trying. I am pro-choice, but i hardly believe in abortion for myself. My family would be happy to know that I will get married and will have a kid, but they will disown me if it is outside of marriage. I don't want an abortion, I was dreaming about this baby. I can't hibe him/her for adoption. This would be so cruel when she/he has older, mature (at least from my side), more or less financially secure(we are not starving) parents. I can't turn to my family with this, I am the one who emotionally support them though troubles, I can't be a trouble. I was just waiting for an obvious step from my boyfriend. I have asked him why is it so hard?

It turned out that he cheated on me last year. He slept with the girl 3 years ago,and she lost her virginity to him.There was no rape story. This would not matter that much to me,as we were just barely romantically inloved platonically. I was also seeing many other men platonically. I just don't understand how could he be so stupid to sleep with a virgin from the middle east who comes from a conservative family. He had some many other relationship with liberal arabs before. Why was he so stupid ?

But the worst thing is that he slept with her last year when he was visiting his homecountry, almost a year after we started . He cheated on me while I was calling him everyday to tell hime how much I have missed him and love him. On a side note he gets sex from me everyday, I am beautiful, ambitious, smart, kind, educated. Without a doubt I can say I am more of all of these than her. I nag sometimes, but who does not? Why? Why did he do that? Is it because I love him so much and he felt secure, am I not a bitc4y person enough? Is it because I gave him everything my soul, my body, my care. Everything!!!

He swears he loves me a lot, he swears he can't live without me. He swears that it was a mistake. he can't explain why he did it? Why?

I am a popular girl, I had so many chances to cheat, I did not! How could he do that. I told him before that I will never forgive cheating.

One minute he says that he loves me more than anything,and when I ask him about her. He says he loves her too, but it is a pity love, and he wants to be with me. I wish he had not mentioned the word love, but he did. How can he not differenciate pity from love? Does he love her. I told him 5 month ago that I will back off if he loves her, but he did not let me go. he does not let me go now, he promises he will fix everything. How can i trust him? I can't even leave him know without giving him a chance. My father died when I was 3 , I don't want the same for my child.

Although famous in Islam, having two wifes is not very culturally accepted in his country, and is totally not accepted in mine, but that what stupid solution has he offered, he promised to find another one. Because i can't hear that anymore.

i have hurt myself yesterday for the first time by scratching myself, because I am so angry at myself. i wanted to hurt myself. I constantly think about suicide , even thought I know it is not a solution at all . How do I get these thoughts out ? How do I move on? Am I crazy for reacting this way? Is it why he cheated on me? I can't stop thinking that I am crazy, and no one should love me, even though i had men who loved me a lot.

I want to love myself, I want to be strong , I want to find a solution, but I am weak and undecided. How do I leave him or how do I stay?

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Last edited by kleio123; Today at 12:51 PM.

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